Back in 2014 I was first mis-diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), a non-contagious lung disorder that appeared in my body as collapsing into a puddle of uncontrollable, gagging cough. I knew this condition could mean the end of my career as a performer – both onstage and in front of the camera, because who wants to hold up a show or film-shoot to wait for an actor to catch their breath?

Luckily, that was the year Isman Kanafsky headed up SICA-USA as the chair, and he conducted what was then referred to as SICA Testing at the Menucha gathering in November. The men tested with Isman in one room, the women tested with women helpers in an adjacent room, separated by an accordion-pleated wall, so that although we could all hear Isman’s booming voice calling out the questions, we were ensconced in our own protected space. Isman and the helpers tested the following:

“What are the things within each of us blocking us from fully realizing our cultural flow?”  

My response was to collapse into a cough-fest, which I already knew would happen; but when Isman called out “Finish!” and the cough instantly stopped, I was given pause to realize that the cough was NOT wholly physical, nor even fully anchored within my body. 

“How can we each release this blockage to our cultural flow?” 

I received that although the possibility for coughing was still ever-present, I could set it aside, ask it to go out for coffee and sandwiches, while I spent the next 15-30 minutes onstage in creative flow. If the stress of projecting my voice into the audience was a sufficient trigger for the cough, then after the scene was over, I allowed the cough to come back. I even staked out a space behind the offstage area, so I could cough without being heard by my fellow actors or the audience. 

“How is my performance when I come from my ego, forcing the energy out into the audience?” 

The performance would, of course, be forceful and compelling, but not at all in the flow, my jiwa was nowhere in sight, and I would be guaranteed to collapse into a coughing-frenzy. 

“How is my performance when I surrender to the creative-flow?” 

I found myself centered in a peaceful pool of creative depth that easily and evenly flowed forth into a willingly receptive audience. No work, no force, no effort – and most important of all, no cough – not even when the performance was completed!

‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.

Can I always get there? Do I always remember to surrender as prep for a performance? No, not always, especially back in my hey-day when I rushed about cramming as much artistic expression into each day as could possibly be packed. If it’s Tuesday, this must be Macbeth. That mindset invariably leads to stress and stress equals cough.

Another test question: “What is the best response for me to handle stressful people or situations?”

Simply and elegantly to lean over backwards so that the negative energy flies up over and past my inclined body (pun intended), much similar to Neo’s pose in The Matrix. When I react by standing my ground, then the negative energy hits full-tilt into my solar plexus. To avoid creating a backache from leaning backwards, I applied the commedia dell’arte lean, which is a reverse lunge, placing my weight onto my thigh muscles, thereby by-passing physical as well as emotional stress.

‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.